All was quiet and peaceful on the barren planet; the only sound was the soft blowing on what could be wind. Then through the sky shot what appeared to be a pirate ship. In seconds the ship had crashed to the planet, killing nearly everyone inside; including the ex captain James Hook. The only survivors were an off bunch as they stumbled away from the wreckage.
Morrigan stared at the desecrated ship in horror, “I never imagined meeting Johnny Depp would go like this…” he murmured to himself as Johnny poked through the wreckage.
“OI!” Johnny cried suddenly catching the attention of the other three survivors. “Stole my compass!” they watched in a mix of horror and fascination as he pried a toy compass from the wreckage. Emblazoned on the top of the compass proudly were the words ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’.
Morrigan resisted the urge to facepalm, “What the hell is that gonna do to help us?”
“It’ll lead us to what we want, of course!” Johnny exclaimed as if it were the most obvious thing, “That is, if finding a way home is what we want most.” He added as an afterthought.
“Jesus, I knew you were a kook but I didn’t know you were this bad. I’ve seen so many cases like this. It’s pathetic really.” Morrigan turned to look at the man whom had spoken; it had been the therapist that had dedicated their entire cruise to psychoanalyzing every passenger on board.  Morrigan had quickly decided he did not like the man when the doctor had made comments about his pink hair.
The pink haired man rolled his eyes, “Oh shut up already! No one cares! What is he hurting anyway; leave him be.”
The remaining survivor, whom had been coaxing Johnny over with a bottle of what was probably rum, looked over; “Well… he did hijack the ship and somehow manage to make it fly. Do you suppose he’s magical? He is after all, Jack Sparrow.”
Morrigan stared, “That’s Johnny Depp. Jack Sparrow is a character.”
“Oh really? But Jack is right here.” The woman said.
The doctor snorted, “What, exactly, is your job description, woman?”
She looked affronted for a moment and then proudly said; “I train animals!” she looked gleeful when Johnny grabbed the bottle of rum from her. “And I intend to train this one!”
“And do what…” Morrigan quirked his brow, “Marry him?” he nearly choked when the woman looked away shiftily.
“Maybe…”
“I’m surrounded by nut jobs! IF we get home, every one of you is being put on meds!” the doctor yelled.
“WHAT!” Morrigan glared at him, “I’m not crazy and I DON’T need medication! Who the hell cares what you say. Just because my hair is pink doesn’t mean I have issues!”
The doctor sneered at him, “Young man, you’re in a dress. That is reason enough for me to assume you are not right in the head.”
“But he looks so cute in it!” the woman chimed in.
Johnny paused, “That’s a boy?” then his eyes grew wide, “Bloody hell, you’re a boy!”
“Yes Jack, he’s a boy.” The woman cooed, “Let’s all find something to eat shall we? You can all call me Margot!” she grinned and pulled two packaged from her pocket, “I’ve got some Jelly Bellies and… cookies. I think.”
Johnny had gone over to the wreckage of their previous vessel, “I saw a basket of goodies here somewhere – ah!” after several moments he came back to them with a miraculously intact wicker basket. “Sandwiches.” He said proudly. Then he picked through the basket more, “And biscuit things in packages.” He held one up.
Morrigan squealed, “Ramens!”
The doctor rolled his eyes, “Joy, another ramen obsessed Asian.”
To that Morrigan hucked a magic eight ball at the doctor, “Fuck you!” the ball missed horribly and shattered to the doctor’s left, spraying the water from inside over him.
“Now look at what you’ve done you little brat!”
“I didn’t do anything!” Morrigan cried as he ran to hide behind Margot. She patted his head and munched on one of the uncooked ramen biscuits. “How the hell did you even GET a degree you tightwad! You’re an ass. I bet you make all your patients worse!” and then the pink haired man stuck his tongue out.
“So…” Johnny interjected, “me thinks we should be on our way. Anyone got our heading?”
Margot pointed, “That way!” she said happily and Johnny did a half run half strut in that direction.
“He really is nuts… I don’t think I’m a fan of his anymore.” Morrigan said quietly.
“More for me then!” Margot cheered.
The doctor grumbled as he followed behind them, “How are we supposed to survive here, when he’s following direction from a TOY!” he motioned to Johnny whom was shaking his toy compass.
“I know what I want! I know what I want!” he yelled fiercely as he shook the poor defenseless replica of his compass from the movies. He was cut off from his yelling at the poor toy, when a laser shot near his feet. “Bloody hell!” he jumped and backed up. There before them stood a near army of tall, skinny green men.
“Wait!” Morrigan cried, “I’ve seen this before!” he whipped out a book, entitled ‘How to Survive a Zombie Attack’.
“Those are aliens… not zombies.” Margot said.
“Same difference! Oh, oh, right here! It says to throw rocks at them!” he told them. The doctor and Margot each picked up a rock and threw the objects with all their might toward the army of extra-terrestrials .
The doctor stared, “The humans use rock throw. The army is unaffected…” he said slowly.
Morrigan stared, “Pokémon? Forget anything I said about you before, I love you.” The doctor merely gave him a smirk.
“Well, rocks were useless. And apparently so is throwing a gun at them.” She watched as Johnny hurled his antique pistol at the aliens after finding he had no bullets on his person.
“All I’ve got is my lucky rabbit’s foot.” Morrigan said as he held up the keychain of a hot pink rabbit’s foot.
“Throw that then!” the doctor exclaimed. Morrigan made an ‘eep’ sound and tossed the rabbit’s foot. The moment it hit the ground a bright pink and glittery plume of smoke erupted from it. Disco type music suddenly echoed around them and when the smoke cleared there stood the legendary diva Ru-Paul. She stood at all her glory in a bright red bodysuit with a long fur-lined coat. Then, she pulled a microphone from her coat and began to sing ‘Lady Boy’.
The aliens stared in wonder at the glorious creature before them, never had they seen someone so musically talented and so beautiful. Ru-Paul strutted back and forth in front of them, singing her heart out and the aliens, so into the song, dropped their weapons and began to dance. Our group of survivors looked at one another and then began to dance as well. Grooving to the wondrous tune Ru-Paul was providing them.
“Ru-Paul uses DIVA!” Morrigan cried as he danced, “It’s SUPER EFFECTIVE!” The doctor stared at him evenly, and then pounced like a lion.
“Oh dear.” Margot said and covered Johnny’s eyes, “Mating is not something you need to see Jack darling. Let’s go eat our wonderful meal now.” And she led him back to their wrecked vessel to have a romantic dinner with him.